Home sweet home

During this few weeks' time off that I have, we're trying to institute some better routines and habits, hoping to continue them even when I return to work. We're spending more time as a family, instead of taking turns being here with Grace. Often, when I have time off, one of us will take a trip, to replenish ourselves. This vacation we are staying home, because Grace's teething makes it even more difficult for one person to be in charge 24 hours a day. What we are discovering is that all three of us are feeling more relaxed with Kevin and me here most of the time. We give each other time to get out of the house, and also time for practicing/writing and exercise alone. We set aside large chunks of time for just being with Grace, interacting if she's receptive, just hanging around if she's not. I'm definitely becoming a fan of this new get-away style.

Reality can bite pretty hard

Last night while cleaning up the kitchen, I listened to Menotti's "Amahl and the Night Visitors", which has been a favorite since childhood. I can sing along with many parts--the music is tuneful and matches the drama perfectly. I found myself weeping during the dance of the shepherds, just because the music was so happy. Then, when Amahl offers his cane to the wise men to take to the baby Jesus and is miraculously able to walk, I burst into a different sort of tears. My daughter will not be miraculously healed--there are no such things as miracles.

Gift-giving for the clever

As we approach the holidays, I just thought I'd pass along our strategy for buying Christmas gifts, which, when we use it, is great for reducing stress in December and high credit card bills in January. We sat down this fall, wrote down a list of the family members for whom we'd be getting gifts, then divided them between the two of us. (Gifts for friends are our individual responsibility and come out of our weekly "fun money".) We marked the calendar--one gift purchased each paycheck until Thanksgiving. That meant that we've had most of December to think about and buy gifts for each other and our daughter. This means that while many people are running around with like the proverbial chickens, we are able to focus on surviving the busy Yuletide schedule! It also means that we can afford Christmas.

Gaps

My daughter lost her first tooth last night--a bottom front tooth--which leaves her with that cute gap that is the signature of all 6-year-olds. This event brings me many conflicting feelings. I feel proud that she's reaching milestones. I feel sad that though she looks her age, she is more like a 3- or 4-year-old. I feel nostalgic for my own youth, remembering clearly that my first tooth was lost down the hatch while eating a bite of chicken. I feel anxious about what the lost tooth portends: months of teething pain for Grace, which was bad enough first time around. I feel worried that the agitated and destructive behavior we've seen the last few weeks is unrelated to the teeth, which means it is something unknown and therefore scary.

On top of all of this, the holiday season is open season on emotions for me. I am trying to integrate my memories and my hopes with the reality of my life, and it is difficult.

I feel like a rubber band at breaking point.